Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Guilt

I missed a blog post a few Tuesdays ago. Whoops. And then I started to write this very blog post about feeling guilty for that and never finished it. And THEN I found it easier and easier to put this blog aside while I worked diligently to hit other goals.

I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry to you, the reader, for being inconsistent with my content. And I'm sorry to myself for feeling like I've dropped the ball. Because you know what?

I didn't.

Life gets in the way sometimes. We have other priorities and deadlines that have to come first at times. And these past several weeks have been like that for me. I had a few really huge, serious book deadlines I needed to meet, so this blog kind of fell by the wayside for a second there. And, while I'm sorry about that, it's what happened. So it is what it is.

But let's talk about guilt, shall we?

When I started writing on this blog page, I made an internal promise to put one up every Tuesday and participate in #FreebieFriday every other week (which I failed to do as well). Yes, I'm aware I can write them in advance and schedule them so they automatically post (I do this for my food blog - which I also let fall by the wayside for a couple of weeks). But I prefer being as authentic as I can be on here, sharing my emotions as they're happening.

I think I need to get over that.



Just because I don't share something the moment that it happens doesn't mean it isn't true. It doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't become less valuable to someone who might need to hear it when I do end up sharing it. So it doesn't matter if I'm thinking or feeling it right when I post it. It just matters that I get it out there.

But the guilt I've felt for "failing" at keeping my promise has been eating at me for a while now. And the guilt I feel for doing things other than work on my various projects is exhausting. Someone please tell me why our culture has made us feel like we have to constantly be productive or we're complete and utter failures. Someone please explain to me why I always have to be doing something that'll make me money either now or in the future.

Why can't I just take a damn break for a minute?

You know what I'd like to do instead? Exercise. Besides the 15-minute walk I went for this morning, I couldn't tell you the last time I did something active. Instead, I'm in my desk chair from sunrise to sunset as I either plug away at various projects or waste time between them on Facebook and other social media. I'd love to go to the movies with Husband and not feel like I could have made a few bucks on Mturk or I should have been writing my next book.

I want to enjoy my life!

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy the projects I'm working on. A lot! They're teaching me a lot about myself. They're fun and artistic and creative. So yes, I enjoy them. But, in the end, they're work. Their purpose is to be sold so I can make money. So I can't fool myself into thinking they're just for fun. If they were just for fun, I wouldn't have to work on them so quickly. I wouldn't have to do word sprints with my writing partners and keep track of every damn minute I spent on the project, now would I? I like working on these things, but I can't forget that they're work.

I also love that I have the freedom to work on these at home. I'm blessed with a husband who's understanding enough and didn't put up a single fight when I said I wanted to focus on writing more and editing less. That meant my income would drastically decrease as I worked on building my backlist, but he'd rather have a happy wife, which makes a happy life, or so the saying goes.

My husband knows how to take care of me better than I do.



Be honest with yourself. Do you take restful breaks? Do you move your body? When was the last time you ate something green like broccoli? How much water have you had today? Have you been outside lately?

Personally, I may not go outside for days at a time besides peeking in the backyard for my tortoises or walking to the mailbox (which, in fairness, is at the end of the block and around the corner). I usually get 90+ oz of water, and I get some kind of green veggie in most days (though, also in fairness, as you all know, I eat a hell of a lot of fruit). Exercise is few and far between though, and breaks? Nope. Not really.

I need to take better care of my body. And ditch the guilt.

I love you guys. I promise to always do right by myself from now on. And that may mean missing a blog date or two. But I've found this new productivity website that is really getting me focused (it's how I wrote this entire thing in fifteen minutes plus making the graphics), so I'll work on scheduling some in advance to help me keep my promises. This productivity website should also help me focus on all of my other various projects (seriously, in 3.5 50-minute sessions, I've done what normally takes me all day to do and then some other stuff). So I'm really looking forward to getting down to business and being able to add the things I missing into my life.

Breaks. Sunshine. Movement. We need those.

We don't need guilt. Or anger. Or shame. Or perfectionism. We need flexibility and forgiveness. We need to build each other up. And you know where that starts? With ourselves. We can't live positive, happy, shiny lives if we're assholes to ourselves. So stop being an asshole to yourself. Give yourself a little grace. Then pick yourself back up and try again. You got this. And so do I. 

Vibe high, friends.



(Written: Thursday June 7)
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